Saturday, July 26, 2008 ; 4:33 AMY
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I hate waiting. Coz it always reminds me of a time 2yrs back..when i was always made to wait. But then, i was more hopeful. The longer the wait, the more i anticipate. When i finally got what i waited for, i would be so happy and relieved. Its funny how your life just stops while you're waiting for a particular something, and only resumes again when you finally get what you're waiting for...It was the same then. Just that the wait got longer and longer. The number of waits got more and more frequent. Anticipation turns into fear...and finally desperation, when i realise the wait was intentionally done. But then it was too late. The wait that dragged
on more and more had become something that never returned. And since then, i never like to wait anymore.
Esp late into the night like now. When im all alone with only my faithful pink ds and laptop to console me.
Its made even harder coz i cant sleep easily. The slightest thing would bother me to no end and deprive my brain of whatever rest it could get.
Its so hard..being awake in e dead of the night. Everyone asleep except me.
So lonely.
Sunday, July 13, 2008 ; 5:25 PMY
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An Issue of Weight. Being Insulted. Accused of being Petty. and the Right to be Angry about it.
I know no one is perfect. but its so amazing how different people can make u feel so differently.
You really hurt me alot. and undeniably, you were definitely a jerk when i was with you. But one thing i always was and still am happy about you, is that you never ever made me feel lousy about my size. I absolutely loved dressing up for you. I was comfortable with my body when im with you. and regardless of whether you really meant it, you always made me feel that you would love me even if i were to put on abit of weight or to have a rounder tummy. Infact, i dont even recall a single time when weight was even an issue.
Weight should definitely not be the main issue here. But for me, its a big issue. Its the first time im even blogging anyth like this..coz its a fact that weight and size is and always has been a very sensitive topic for me. It may perhaps not be an exaggeration that the main bulk of my insecurities stem from there. Its just that ive always been hiding it and things got better as we grow up so it doesnt bother me. (except on days like this when u unfortunately encounter fucking idiots who got nothing else better to do than defame and insult innocent victims that they dont even know)
Yes im usually ok with the way i am.(minus the few days of pms)
And yes, i know i can look good too. I mean, i know im not fat til there's nothing for me to wear. I can still shop for nice clothes and dress up and make myself pretty. And im always thrilled when topshop is having sales. Coz then most of the clothes leftover would mostly be my size. So its so much easier to pick out, and best of all, its on Sale! ;)
But, as much as i can accept myself for the way i look, there will always be others out there who very casually and insensitively make 'casual remarks' about my size and sickeningly try to derive some fun out of it. These kinda bastards. I TOTALLY HATE AND DESPISE.
Its my sincere wish that these rude bastards may one day, get married and divorce their wives after they put on post-pregnancy weight, have really wonderfully rude and fat kids, grow a humongous potbelly from drinking excessively at clubs, gamble n lose all their money playing poker obsessively, and finally, die a sad and obese death.
(ok i dont know how's that possible, but heck. Im just cursing afterall.)
And for those others, who stubbornly and insensitively think im just being petty about hating these kinda people....well GO AHEAD. I admit. Im being petty for hating pple who made rude 'casual remarks' about me when i dont even know them.
And i shouldnt give a damn about you too, for not defending me and faithfully standing on my side.
Saturday, July 12, 2008 ; 2:25 AMY
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My chest hurts and i cant breathe properly.
And you must be wondering why im still blogging here instead of doing smth about it.
But well, its like 2.30 in the morning. Not nice to wake anybody up just for this right?
The crushing feeling is getting pretty intense though. Hopefully i publish this before i collapse.
Cant take deep breaths now. Its like some invisible force squeezing the air out of me.
Hope its nothing serious coz i still gotta teach whole day tmr!
Ok. Im gonna lie down now. So at least i wont hit the floor even if i collapse. Lol.
Nite world. Cya again if i wake up.
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Looking at my past entries, it seems ive been feeling down for ages. Infact, i cant really remember when was the last time i posted anything happy at all. Oh well, it isnt that im constantly depressed..just that the truly happy moments i have are few and far inbetween.
Its such a weird feeling i get each time i laugh or smile. I no longer know if that smile or laugh was really meant to be, or were they just the right reactions in response to what someone else said or did. A smile is so simple, really. Just twitch the ends of your lips upwards and you get a smile. We do that all the time when cam-whoring.
I miss spending time with my friends. I still miss staying over at each others' house. But somehow things have changed and we've all grown up with our own problems to handle and overcome. If growing up means having more responsibility, is there also a fixed rule that says growing up will definitely mean we have more difficulties and problems in life? The 2 years after JC were truly the golden years of my life. Yes i know im only 24 and i probably still have 2/3 more of my life to cover. But seriously, i doubt i would ever experience more freedom and joy than i did in that 2 years. We were all like young tai-tais...carefree, having fun all the time, almost bimbotic...I miss.
