Just came home from gym. I think i saw him just now at my house busstop. Im not totally sure if that was him coz he was quite far away and sitting down. But it looked like him alright. Just that he's even hairier and uglier now. He was looking at me. I gave a glance in his direction then i pretended i didn't see him and continued walking. Well, its weird coz i don't really feel anything much now. No heartbreaking sadness like i thought i would feel when i see him. Just this very strong sense of nostalgia for happier days that has long passed. Recently i keep having this feeling when im alone..esp before i fall and sleep and the moments when i just woke up but still lying in bed. I will think of my past. My childhood memories, guys that i've liked but can't get, friends who come and go, him...
So tired. Gym was fun today coz Ann came along with me and von. Haha..and i saw that 2 cute trainers again!!! But im starting to think im a little too obvious coz i always blush when i see them and i will just freeze and stop whatever im doing. Argh. Currently i have 2 trainers that im ogling at and i better just keep myself to these 2. Or else, judging from the way im distracted by them, i will never get any proper workout done with more than 2 guys on my mind. hai..horrible me..

If only each tear fallen means some pain forgotten
I would gladly tear in abundance.
But sadly, each tear fallen could only mean some memories awaken
So i could only slowly wait til there is none remnant

Well, i know my blog has been on "sauna" mode the past 2 weeks but anyway, she talked to me on msn about it le. Not sure if things will be back to the good old times, but at least we said what we wanted to each other so that's at least some improvement there.
Went to gym yesterday and again today even though i was mentally and physically tired le. Haven been getting enough sleep the past week yet i still force myself to go. Talked to a friend yesterday. I think he's right. Im not being nice to myself. Its like my mind is a separate entity from my body. And both are trying to punish the other. Though for what reasons i can't figure. But esp the past 2days, i was really pushing myself to my limits at the gym. Maybe i was just moody la. Running on treadmill or in bodycombat class i was also trying not to cry lo! Dammit la. And its not even time for pms.Grrrr..Then now my whole body aching like crazy le...but im loving the ache and the pain..wahahahahaha...then my eyes super tired too! Bought some anti-wrinkle gel patches yesterday with Aimei. Gonna try it later! Hope it works in removing those stupid fine lines i have under my eyes.
Long day at work tomorrow. Sigh. Then after that hopefully can have some fun with some friends coming over to have dinner and watch dvd.Hee...Aiyah, that reminds me, i haven pack my room yet! I have the whole master-bedroom to myself yet i think the space is still not enough. I have clothes and undergarments in every part of my room lo. I think tmr i will just shove them into a corner in my wardrobe la. No time to properly tidy up le. Hai.K la..gonna sleep now or else tmr i will end up sleeping while teaching again. Ta!

To Sharon:

I was actually deciding whether or not to even continue this topic here in my blog, of all places. But since up til now, you still show yourself incapable of contacting me anymore, i suppose its only right to assume that you actually would very much prefer us to exchange messages through this blog. Well then, fine by me.
First of all, regarding the very entry that had sparked off these exchanges in my tagbox. Well,i was really disappointed by what you wrote in your blog to "encourage" Hazel. Did you even read through what you wrote there and did you even realise how insensitive it was? I know your bf reads your blog. And no one is stopping you from praising and glorifying him in your blog, but please! Not at the expense of a dear friend who is having problems with her bf! It seems like you were trying to console Hazel in your blog but in the last few lines of that entry, it seems as if you are gloating about having such a perfect bf whom you trust alot while Hazel is having lots of problems with hers. I mean come on la, i seriously think she doesn't need to be reminded of how "lucky" u r as compared to her now. Even if you want to tell your bf how much u trust him and how glad u r to have such a dear bf giving you opinions on Hazel's problem, at least say that to him privately or at least in a different entry right? And by the way, Hazel and her bf have been together a few yrs so there are bound to have problems along the way. As for your relationship, you are barely 6months into it. Do you not think that mutual trust existed in Hazel's relationship as well during their earlier stage of their relationship?
You know, i was actually quite disappointed that you didn't even bother contacting me or showing me concern when i hit bottom couple months back. But now im actually glad that you didn't bother. Coz if you had said the same things to me in your blog like what you told Hazel, i think i would have felt much much worser.
Now back to the tagboard. I totally agree with you that lifestyle changes with different circumstances. But if you meant it to justify your attitude towards friendship in relation to having or not having a bf, then sorry, i don't think i need such a person. Coz for me, a friend is someone who is a friend no matter what. Be it in poor or rich times, happy or sad moments. If i can only share my life with you when you are boyfriendless or when your bf can't meet you, then i think i would just be wasting my time. Realise how i didn't suggest going out the past 2 sundays? I enjoy your company the most but if you refuse to even give me a rough timing we can hang out til just coz your bf can't confirm what time he's meeting you, then i don't think i should put myself through the "happily-spending-time-with-bestfriend-then-suddenly-whisked-away-by-bf-leaving-me-all-alone" kinda ordeal. Been there, experienced that..and i totally hate it. And of all times, you had to do it at a time when i was facing a breakup and having suicidal thoughts. Again, i can only shake my head in wonder and amazement. Ask yourself which friend would send you home every sunday after church when your house is a 25mins drive away and when the church is just a few steps from my house. Hello, i actually don't even need to get into the car at all. Hell, i would even drive all the way to your house to pick you up when we are going out just coz i know you are tired after work and the long bus journey would tire you out even more. All those times i drove to your house and back, you think its not tiring meh? Think about it. Im not even your bf. Do u think its really necessary for me to do all those things?
I believe you really enjoy spending time with me. I believe you care for me too. But what i don't understand is, why this status must change every time you get attached. Its such an irony. A dearest friend who is even closer than a sister, yet such an inconstant friendship. Must i wait again for the next phase before we can resume the happy times? Only to have it disrupted once more when "circumstances" change yet again? Its just a vicious cycle that won't end isnt it? Who is the tired one here? People tell me tony is not worth it and i should give him up. But you know what,even that jerk doesnt disappoint me as much as you do. When i realised you don't like him,i even wanted to break up with him coz of it.
Perhaps even up til this point, you still think im making a big fuss and totally not being understanding towards your attached status. Well, if you really think that way, by all means go ahead. I just hope that you will never ever reach a stage in your life when all is wrong and there are no good friends by your side.
As for the both of us, well...just like how some relationships have turned out. Not worth it means not worth it. Sometimes no matter how much you treasure it, there's a time to stop waiting, stop hoping and stop holding on. One-sided friendships will never work. I hate it to turn out like this but things are beyond my control. Like i say, it will just end up being a neverending cycle of alternate disillusioned happiness and heartbreaking disappointment. And who's to blame actually? Perhaps no one really. We are just too different in our ideas of how friendship should be treated.

To all those who faithfully read my blog. Sorry i keep yakking non-stop about tony. About how hurt i was and still am, about how much i miss him and about how much i don't want him to come back. I guess im not as strong as i thought myself to be. Even though im trying my best to live my life as normally as possible. Countdown: 40mins
Just got back from msia. Ate something wrong so suffering from foodpoisoning. Couldnt sleep the whole night coz i was hurting so bad. My threshold of pain is actually quite high but i ended up crying in pain almost the entire night. Wanted to call my daddy ask him to come msia and bring me home but i didn't want to wake him up. Thought of going to any hospital there but i don't really trust msia hospitals..hee...so just gotta tahan the whole night. Poor me, still gotta teach just now even though i wasn't feeling well. Luckily its only one student.
Then just now, i suffered an "anxiety attack", according to the doctor. Was watching tv with Ivy then suddenly couldnt breathe so went to the doctor's. It was really quite bad. Could still talk and walk but i was almost fainting. Thought it was due to the foodpoisoning but apparently not. ha. But "anxiety attack"?? Don't tell me its really coz of him. I knew i was affected by him coming back but i didn't know its to this extent. Sigh. Thought i would be having fun this weekend but can't coz i gotta rest at home. Just took the medicine for anxiety. Hope it works. Coz right now, i still can't breathe properly, my stomach is still hurting, and i think im having cramps as well..Freak la. Maybe its my punishment for cursing tony.
Countdown: 30mins

2nd entry for today...
im just wasting some time before i force myself to start on theory homework and pack for my trip. Had a fun day going out with Ivy yesterday! Its actually the first time we are hanging out but i totally enjoyed myself! We watched "Slither" then went shopping! haha..since she stays just a few blocks away, i think we will start spending quite alot of time together from now on. Maybe she can even help motivate me to be a better violinist like her. haha..
Slept late again last night coz i couldnt fall asleep...hai..ever since he called me on sunday to tell me he's coming back, i've been thinking alot before i sleep. Luckily didn't dream of him lo. yucks! Instead i dreamt of someone else..hai..not good to dream of that person too la but at least its better than dreaming about tony.
I won't be in spore for the next couple of days, then when im back, he would be back too.. Really not looking forward to friday leh...nevermind, let's focus on better things! Friday night im meeting Yvonne and her friends for sushi dinner, then sat meet Aimei and gang most prob for ktv then celebrate 3 birthdays..haha...okie la..sounds like much fun..esp with sushi and ktv!!
okie! Gotta start doing thoery homework now! ta

Wah..read my previous blog entries..talking about him drowning and dying in plane crash..im turning into s super mean girl..okie la, i take back my words about the plane crash. I don't want innocent people dying coz of him. But yet at the same time i really really don't feel like seeing him around anymore!! How?? Hmm, he always used to tell me how weak his heart is and how he will die anytime. Now i know its all a lie. Its true he had a major heart operation when he was a kid, but i heard from his friend that he's only saying it to gain sympathy from people or somth, when in actual fact, any problems he may have had already been corrected during the operation. Makes sense actually, esp if he can go gym and play basketball with his friends every single day and still not suffer a heart attack. Hell, he even told me Prof Pan is not going to teach him anymore coz he no longer has the stamina to play piano properly due to his "weak heart". But again, its all bullshit la. Let's hope that whatever he said about his heart being weak actually has some truth in it huh. Maybe just let him collapse of a heart attack or someth when he's playing basketball? Hmm,sounds better than the plane crash? Wahahaha.Im sooo evil..

Wtf. He's not dead! Infact he's coming back earlier than planned. This Friday. Pls let the plane crash....

Dammit.Im sooo freaking tired but i can't sleep. Ended up thinking about stuff and crying. Wtf. Right now i can't even rmb what was it that had triggered it. I think basically, i just feel real screwed up. And now, because of the crying, i would have to go to church with swollen eyes tmr. I was just thinking, if i could just control my life with some remote control, i would just delete some people off my life and then it will make my daily routines so much easier. Recently, i've been in quite an irritable mood. And some people just never ever fail to piss me off. Sure they don't mean it and whatever they do actually has got nothing to do with me. Not at all. But just knowing that these kinda people still exist in this world is enough for me to wonder about why they are not kicked out from this world into outer space. Okie. Im being mean here la. But there are really some people out there who can be so shamelessly thick-skinned and insensitive they just ought to be slapped to death. I mean, come on, are they really being ignorant of what they are doing and the impact they have on their so-called good friends whom they supposed are trying to show concern for? Well, try harder. Put yourself in your friend's shoes. Do you genuinely think that they will be touched by what you said or would they just get even more depressed? There are certain things that would best be left out and not emphasized and showed-off if you sincerely want your friend to be comforted and advised. And then there are those bitches who are so super materialistic they may even have no qualms about dumping a guy whose father is dying of cancer and then in just a week of knowing another guy start "loving" him as though her very heartbeat depended on it. Come on la. Do these girls really think they are too good for the previous bf? What made them think they deserve better? Gosh. I know im bitching la. But i can't help it if these people keep irritating me with their hypocrisy and such narrow-minded concept of "love" and how they are sooo at the top they deserve better, and better, and better guys. Wake up la. At the end of the day you are just gonna get fucked to death while realising that you are left with nobody. HA.
Okie. Enough bitching for today. Ahh...i actually feel good now that i get it all off my chest. K, time to try sleeping again. Ta.

I just got my results. I passed!!! This is actually quite surprising given that i handed up most of my work late, and that up til now, i still have about 4 assignments that i haven handed up! Haha. I was still thinking i may just quit school if i gotta repeat. I wonder if he passed. Part of me ( like maybe 99%) is hoping that he didnt. Better still if he were kicked out of school then i will be spared the agony of seeing him in school almost everyday. Even if im over him, it will still be awkward seeing him around so often.
Anyway, i started keeping a diary again. Thanks to Rak for the cute book with all those obscene decorations on it! Haha..okie, its not that obscene la. That book just has lots of sexy undergarments printed on it. haha. Miss bra-shopping with you girl. Hey Rak, just read your blog. Your childhood memories sure brought u much joy huh. I wish i had as much fun during my childhood as u. But its sad how as we grow up we sort of become denied of the kind of innocent happiness n joy we so readily experienced when young. Treasure your memories girl, but look forward to the future.We r still young right? So you never know, better things will just come in abundance in future. You know how i know that? Coz i will be there for you every stage of your life and just having me in your life is already such a joy and wonder in itself...right? hehe..not shy huh..really really miss you girl..
Recently my day starts from 8am to around 10pm at night. So im hardly at home to even have time to read. Have been spending alot of money just going out and on transport. That's y today i decided to come home straight from work. Had a fun day yesterday. Went to Ann's house to practise with her in the morning, then went to the gym after that where i saw the cute trainer Kelvin, again..then after that met up with cecilia for dinner at fish n co. then coffee at starbucks. We also bought new bangles and took lots of pictures in the toilet!! haha..Im really having fun these days going out...but...$$$$$
I need a SUGARDADDY!
haha..okie, just kidding la. I just need a super rich bf who pays for all my shopping! (,'')

You are drowning.
And i am standing on the shores of the beautiful beach.
You are struggling to stay alive.
What a nice weather.
Im watching you drown.
The waters swallowing you whole.
You disappear for a moment, then appear again.
Im waiting.
You look at me but i can't see your face clearly.
Basking in the sun and trying to get a golden tan.
Is it fear in your eyes?
A nice breeze that smells of the sea.
Soon it will smell of you too.
Are you scared?
You are drifting further from shore.
Such white sands and clear waters.
Soon you will be no more.
Im here.
Enjoying the scenery.
Are you crying?
I am.
Watching you now can be such blissful agony.
Give up now.
Submit to the cool waters.
My tan is almost perfect.
I lie down on the warm, soft sand.
But no worries for my eyes are on you still.
I blow you a kiss and smile at you.
Im waiting still.

Tiring day. Reached cali at 8am to exercise then attended yoga therapy class. That was fun, though it made me feel like a poor mermaid stranded onshore who's desperately twisting my whole body trying to get back into water. Then i came home for theory lesson, then after that went to work. Really exhausted le. Haven been getting enough sleep too. I think i only managed to fall asleep at around 3, then had to wake up at 6+ to go cali. Wanted to go tmr morning too de but i think i need tmr to sleep. Its good to wake up early, but not when you are also sleeping very late. Watching "The Omen"tmr. Partly the reason why i want so bad to watch a horror movie is becoz the last horror movie i watched was with him. So watching this tmr would be part of the "erasing" process. Thought alot about him the past 2 days. But im not sure if its considered "missing" him. Probably not. But still...I think im just lonely. But nevermind. Cecilia is finishing work soon..then vivian will be coming back in 3weeks. Hopefully i will have more fun in July.

Gloomy sky, marshmallow body, aching head, tired eyes.
Woke up feeling depressed this morning. Feel so lousy about myself. Nop, its not becoz of tony. I think its just pms again ba. Either that, or what i did last night before sleeping. Sometimes you may know its not advisable to do certain things. Yet you go ahead with it and risk getting yourself hurt again. Why can't i be a slut and be nonchalant about it? Why must i even be bothered by what's right or wrong as long as i don't hurt anybody? The only person that will get hurt will be me and me only. It has always been like this. Nothing really changed. Probably the only thing that is different is the increasing guilt of not loving myself enough. Making myself cheap and even more worthless than before. I know all these, and yet i continue with it.
I wanna push away all responsibilities and lock myself in my room. Confine myself to my bed. And just sleep.
Still gloomy sky, an empty body, aching heart, wet eyes.
Let it rain.

Im seriously starting to think that there's somthing very wrong with my personality, my character, my behaviour and speech. All along i know im quite open when talking about certain issues like sex n stuff, even to guys. I just didn't that it's actually considered "talking dirty" and thus making myself seem loose. But i don't talk like that to each and every guy i know. I only talk like that to guys whom i think (or thought) can take jokes. Maybe he's right.Maybe this is the reason why i never seem to be able to find a guy whom i like and who likes me. Apparently, i turn guys off too much with all those "dirty talk". Oh dammit la..maybe i should just keep my mouth shut from now onwards. Im so confused. Coz i've only been single 2 months and now im giving myself more guy problems to worry about. What started out as pure fun and harmless flirting on my part has turned out, yet again, to be a more serious and complicated matter. I don't think, or rather, i don't want to think im a bitch. But maybe, through my actions, i've already proven myself to be one. After all, so far in my life, most of the guy i've talked to on the phone have commented that when they talk to me, they don't really feel like they are talking to a girl.I suppose that's just a nice way of saying i talk like a horny slut. Recently, even a guy whom i just started talkin to on msn says he thinks im a horny girl. He sounded like he was just joking and trying to irritate me la.But maybe not.Oh man...am i suppose to try clear my name or just accept myself for who i am? hai...

Candy Lim/TangTang
Fulltime Music student
Parttime Music teacher
Turning 23 on 13/11/2007
Absolutely cant do without:
-My 2 youngest sisters (Joanne and Edda)
-My close friends

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candy_the_girl@hotmail.com
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