Wednesday, September 26, 2007 ; 11:40 PMY
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Still feeling emo from yesterday..but its getting worse..
Thought i just needed to tahan til night time and everything would be ok. But instead it felt even worse. I dont know what is wrong. Isit me? Isit you? Or isit just becoz we're both tired?
Somehow something changed overnight but i dont know what it is. The old feelings of distance and hopelessness are back and suddenly i feel that i've lost you all over again..A familiar unfamiliarity between us that doesnt make sense but is there all the same.
I've put in alot and given up even more. Im already drained. At the end of the day im just a simple girl who wants to love and be loved in return.
Is that really too much to ask? Ive already lowered my expectations so much i dont
know how else i can be disappointed. But apparently, its still not low enough...
Everything has been sweet and hopeful for the past 2mths and suddenly we're back where we started.
Really hope this horrible feeling will pass soon. Its making me more tired than i already am.
Maybe im thinking too much..
Maybe we're both tired..
Maybe we just need to wait til weekend then everything will be ok..
But maybe, feelings have changed and things will never be ok again..
tears... ... ... ... ...
... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...
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Im feeling so insecure now. No sense of belonging anywhere and im so sure its not pms..
Afew things i need to change about myself:
-Expect less from others
-Not have any high hopes about anything
-Be more independant and learn to face problems alone
-Learn to embrace loneliness
-Stop worrying too much
-Trust no one but myself (and maybe God if He's still here)
tears.pain.worries.fear.empty.helpless.alone
Tuesday, September 18, 2007 ; 10:42 PMY
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Feeling pretty stressed out now..Had a wonderful experience performing in genting for msia's annual music award ceremony (Anugerah Era) but missed a whole week of school coz of that.
Work has piled up and im having difficulty catching up now. Initial thesis proposals were rejected so now gotta resubmit a new one plus abstract..But im really not in the mood to do it.
Hve been sick more than 2weeks now and my cough doesnt seem to be getting better. You know how its like when u cough so much even ur chest hurts? Sigh..but weird thing is, this doesnt seem to be merely a physical thing. Its not just my throat n my lungs that are hurting..it feels like my heart is aching badly too..to the extent i really just wanna cry out now. Missed bern alot today but didnt meet him coz he had to meet his friends and i wanted to stay home do work. But i really wanna hug him and cry my stress away.
I know i can definitely still catch up but there are so many things to do right now and i dont know which to concentrate on. I thought final yr in school supposed to have less things to do so we can concentrate on thesis n final recital? sigh sadly thats not the case now. Outside of recital pieces, i have so many other things i need to practise n rehearse. Hope there can be someone to guide me along now and help me thru all these..but who is there? I know i just have to somehow struggle thru all these and i'll graduate by next may..but right now, i really do not have the motivation to continue studying anymore.
wo xiang ku dan shi ku bu cu lai...
