Friday, January 27, 2006 ; 12:54 AMY
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lovesick...its now fri 12.56 am....the last time i saw him was on wed 5.30pm....
gosh..i think this is the longest we've stayed apart since we got together and i really miss him so much...well, i think its mainly due to pms that i've been feeling so shitty the past few days..so insecure, so moody and teary eyes the whole time...and it certainly doesnt help that we are both busy with our instruments now...hai...somehow i feel that im his mistress and his piano is his lawful wife...oh man...yes its that bad huh...the past 2days i had to come home by myself and im so not used to it...even while walking home from the bus stop just now i was trying not to cry...AHHH!!! stupid pms....i think i really gotta start training myself to be more independant...go shopping alone, watch a movie alone etc...or else everytime its that time of the month i will start feeling so low again.....sobsob...
anyway, met up with aimei n yen for dinner at ps just now...also met up with a friend i haven seen for a long time...poor guy who got dumped by his gf...imagine a guy, breaking down in tears even while having dinner with his parents....hai...who say only guys are the heartbreakers? I've personally known girls who are experts in this field as well...and its so sad hearing these kind of stories,be it from male or female victims...i used to have a fairytale idea about love but now its so different...i know its bad la but i can't help adopting a cynical view towards my own relationship as well...even during happy moments i tell myself to enjoy them but at the same time expect that they may end anytime...ha..dunno if that's the best way to handle things..probably not but i can't help it anyway..its human nature to protect ourselves ma, right? Really scared of getting hurt ever again...
Tmr's theory class is cancelled so i only have lessons from 9-10.30am!! Woohoo! Most prob i will come home to practise violin after that...haven confirmed what time to meet him tmr..sigh...im purposely staying up to type this blog to make myself tired so i can fall asleep later...had a hard time last night sleeping alone...well, i think im sleepy enough...i hope im sleepy enough..eyes almostt clossiingg leee......niitte eveeryonee.....zzz...zzz....zzzzz.......
Thursday, January 26, 2006 ; 12:01 AMY
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argh...does pms comes with fever too? gosh...one friend havin sorethroat, another one lost his voice..and now im sick too....well..maybe its a good thing im sick...hopefully tmr i will still have fever then i can call my violin teacher n cancel tmr's lesson!!
i seriously need a break from havin 2 violin lessons per week...mayb have it alternate weeks would be better?hai....
die la..even while typing this i feel my temperature escalating...forehead and cheeks really really burning now while my fingers are so cold they can barely type properly..i know u don't see it, but im actually making a lot of typo errors just that i corrected them all...
hai...anyway, stupid pms...its making me feel so terrible even if this fever was not a result of it...
im feeling so insecure that i feel like crying the whole day and i feel so so so alone...like im the only one left behind...am i still supposed to be feeling this way? and my imagination is getting so wild its scaring me..i can actually imagine something that might happen to me,then end up crying as if it has really happened...goodness....its so hard being a woman..gotta go through all these every month..all the way til menopause...ha...
and i think next month will be much much worse coz 2 of my closest friends going to australia...hai...so much things i've already lost and still losing somemore...will i finally end up losing everything i treasure?
seems like nothing on this earth lasts forever....
Sunday, January 22, 2006 ; 10:26 PMY
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Sunday is church-day...
I went to church in the morning,then went for the afternoon service...i haven attended the afternoon service for so many weeks already.the main reason why i went today was coz it was to be the last 3pm service held in this church building..and next week is the official last time that we would have any service in this place i've been to since i was 10..im really so gonna miss this place and its not just coz its near my house..its all the memories there...i was baptised there,spent many national day celebrations,christmas parties and new year watch-night services...how can i ever forget these? And it makes it so much worse to know that this building is gonna be demolished in march...
Anyway, don't think i ever mentioned here that i planned to stop going to church once they move right?Im my church's music librarian and last month,i finished setting up the library..all the sorting,filing,labelling and stuff..coz i wanted to complete my duties and pass it on to another person once i leave church...hmm..yup..anyway, i changed my mind..at least for now...coz i realised at a time when my bf is trying to get closer to God, i should encourage him instead of backsliding further by not attending church huh?anyway, it was coz of totally stupid reasons that i wanted to stop going and in the past few weeks, i realised its not worth it to lose my relationship with God just coz of these reasons...
anyway,im really glad i went for today's afternoon service..realised that i've been depending on people around me too much...even to the extent that they become the reason for me to go to church...that's so wrong...coz men are men...and no matter how infallible they may seem, one day they will disappoint us and let us down...then what?stop going to church like i initially planned to? That would be an even worse solution then...
Im not tryin to sound holy..but like what i learnt in today's service, we really ought to be going to church because we want to worship Him and also, we need to give glory to Him in everything that we do...in these two areas, i gotta admit i've failed greatly...i've fallen so much that i sometimes feel i can't even get the reception to God's hotline anymore...ha...
anyway, read through my previous blog entries just now, some of it was so awfully written and sounded so pathatic i wanted to laugh and delete them but i stopped myself once again..think i've changed alot in the past couple of months,that's y i feel i can't identify with the writer of some of my previous entries anymore..good or bad i really dunno...but no matter what,all these are part of growing up i guess...yesyes im still in the process of growing up..haha..feel younger suddenly...last thing to share before i end.....afew days ago,me and my bf went to watch "football hooligans"..and guess what?we were told to show our ic at both the ticket booth and at the cinema entrace!!haha...that really made my day coz the show is M18...next time i shall go only to PS for movies and maybe the nice time i should try a NC16 movie see what happens!hee...
Monday, January 16, 2006 ; 8:21 PMY
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The woman i most want to hate..
this entry is dedicated to my mum...
i used to love her, but now i wish i could hate her
i know im 22 this year and already considered adult
but who would have thought that deep deep down in this "adult" heart of mine, im really still the child who is still longing for her mummy's love?
somehow, i feel that i can't progress properly into the next phase of my life without my love for her being reciprocated...
why?
what have i done?
isit really coz of the fact that im the eldest of 5 kids and thus doesnt require so much of her attention?
please, im not even asking for attention, im just pleading for her to at least not hurt me with her words n actions..
she keeps thinking im earning alot and has tried to cheat me more than once into buying things i don't need and which she has gotten free
many times she tried to dissuade my dad from giving me money and paying for things for me coz she says im rich...she even scolded me for using the car so frequently when im not paying for the petrol..but hello! i DO pay for the petrol and top-up the cashcard..and is the owner of the car(my dad) even complaining?
she cheated me into setting aside $160 each month for our joint bank account which she said was for my uni fees..a few months later i realised it was just a short-term investment scheme and she just wanted the extra interest she could get from my "contribution"...she did return me part of the money later but do u think it was really $$ that i was upset about?
when i try to discipline joanne, she scolds me for scolding her daughter instead of helping to discipline...am i not her daughter too? She actually said this, "If u want to beat and scold, do it when you give birth to your own kids next time. Don't do it to my daughter."
and each time that happens, we would end up shouting at one another..i may seem defiant and unfilial, but inside im crying..coz once again, the tiny spark of hope that she may love me afterall proved once again to be merely just an illusion that had probably resulted from the long-term deprivation of maternal love
even when i was still in her womb, she had confided to her good friend( now my godmum) that she was v disappointed to have a girl as her first child...did i have a choice of gender?
so now, in order not to cry over this silly thing again, i will learn to hate her...
once i learn how to hate her, i won't be hurt by whatever she does or says...
i still dunno why she treats me so but it won't matter when i hate her and thus stop craving for this love
im really just, a nobody's child...
Friday, January 13, 2006 ; 9:30 PMY
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2nd week of sch...haha...last week i only went to school on thurs, this week i was a much better girl...went to school on all days EXCEPT thurs..haha...but then it was a public holiday on tue, so actually i only had 3days of school this week...but still, i find it extremely tiring and i find myself dragging myself out of bed everytime i have to prepare for school esp since the weather was so rainy most of this week so its SOOO good for sleeping the whole day...even when i went for my classes, my entire mind was left in bed beneath the covers so my concentration in class was almost zero...
hai..think the weather got to me also...feeling sick now...sorethroat and headache and i still feel sleepy though i took 2naps today..one from 11am-2pm, the other from 5.30 to 8.30pm...haha...that's like 6hrs of napping but i really still feel like sleeping...
My violin lessons will start this monday...hai...im already so tired out by lessons and now i have an additional 2violin lessons per week...oh man....
the time now is 9.40pm and im deciding whether to go out for supper...supposed to practise violin but right now with this headache, i think i will just faint on the violin and crush it..haha...
maybe i should go and sleep again...my eyes are closing even while typing....*yawn*....zzzzzz
Friday, January 06, 2006 ; 10:53 PMY
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1st week of sch...
yupyup..sch started on tue..but naughty me..i was in school only on thurs this entire week...
on tue there was only this stupid talk that i thought would be a waste of time to go
wed, 1st lesson is at 9am and i really couldnt get myself out of bed...so i decided i will go to the next one at 12.30 instead..so i went back to sleep and..... by the time i woke up.....hai....really not my fault la...
thurs after theory lesson ended at 10, i went back to sleep and woke up at 11.56am and decided it was too late for the 12pm class...so i practised violin then went for lessons from 3-7.30pm..
fri, 1st lesson at 9am..couldnt force myself out of bed again so i went back to sleep for an hour then went to school to attend a masterclass..waited 30mins but teacher didn't turn up..so i went home to sleep again...wanted to be a good girl and go for the next class at 2.30pm but my stupid boy changed his mind about going, and he changed mine too....so...
So u see, i did try to attend lessons....but.....
ha...but next week must really get down to serious business la...
So now, I declare(v unwillingly) that my holidays are officially over....and next week onwards i will be the best student i can be...
hai...looking forward to my next sem break...
