Tuesday, February 26, 2008 ; 1:17 AMY
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Even through tears n pain, work has to be done..
But my tears have blurred my vision and i cant get much work done...
Just 2 more months but im really on the verge of giving up.
Jiayou Candy..Jia you...Soon everyth will be over and i can live once more...
*Sobz sobz*
Thursday, February 21, 2008 ; 11:31 PMY
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I think im just plain hopeless sometimes..
Like now...crying my heart out..not knowing who to confide in..who to trust..not even sure what's the reason im crying so bad..
Feeling nothing else but so lost and empty...
I want so badly to get out of this mess..but then again i know i allowed myself into it in the first place...If i'd loved myself more and be stronger, all these wouldnt have happened..or at least it would have ended long ago...When will i fully recover? When will be the day when i can say for sure ive gotten over?
There has constantly been 2 conflicting sides in me..there still is. One wanting to move on..the other stubbornly clinging on to memories...Memories that should be worthless coz they were built upon lies..but stupidly treasured nevertheless..
And to the you who has always been there...im sorry im still crying..im sorry you're still waiting..im sorry for all those times i hurt n disappoint you...
Maybe im just not worth it...
Saturday, February 02, 2008 ; 11:15 PMY
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Ok i know i haven been updating...too many things to talk about..too many thoughts in a constant whirl thru my head..too much worries..conflicts..fears... So much so that i just decided to disappear awhile. People on my msn list would have noticed that i haven been going online much these days..So dont worry, i didnt block or delete anyone..Those few times i went online i was actually appearing offline..
The decision i made almost 3weeks ago was not an easy one..That period of time was a total nightmare for me..I felt like i was on 'auto-pilot'..i didnt know if my emotions were true or not..a smile hides my pain..while a laugh conceals my tears..whatever words came out from my mouth, my mind was actually on somth else..i was living on 2 different levels at the same time..there were 2 Candys..one inside the other..sometimes the inner one overpowers the other..but deep deep down the core is still the old me..lost and confused..no longer sure what i want..almost giving up..no longer wanting anything anymore...what a struggle it was..
But im coming thru..i know i am coz im starting to see light and im walking towards that light..where it guides me i dont know..whats gonna happen in the future i have no idea..i'll just do the best i can..and make sure i dont look back and regret after that..
thanks for going through all these with me...so glad i have you... (,")
