Friday, December 28, 2007 ; 12:37 PMY
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im sorry i always sound so unhappy here.its not that i do not have happy moments.i do..but they dont last long enough and b4 i can get down to blog bout how happy ive been the past few days, i get thrown back into the dark pit again.
Maybe ive never really left.Maybe all along ive been imprisoned in this dark hole and the only few moments of happiness i experienced were all illusions caused by the sunrays that sometimes seep in and provided me a chance to dream n fly away to a happy land.
But very soon the darkness prevails n i find myself back at where ive always been.
Ive been crying so much this small cell is flooding up. And soon it will rise further n further til i get engulfed by my own tears n die.
If this was a fairytale, the girl would hope that her knight in shining armour will appear n save her.
But in my case, i do not have a fairytale. Just like so many other girls ive encountered recently. Their fairytales shattered by the very person who could have granted them happiness. Thats the power he has-- to make or to break. Poor girls when the latter is done.
So im sorry once again that i dont blog bout happy stuff. Im an unhappy person who has stopped tryin to be happy. Right now im just trying not to feel so sad anymore.
Friday, December 14, 2007 ; 4:03 PMY
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It has happened again.
is there any use cryin like this now?
what else can i do?
what else can i say?
kill me
someone just kill me now
i will be so grateful
i never thought i would hurt so badly again
after the last time, i asked myself wad could be worse
and i was so careful not to hope too much so i wont get hurt again
why why why..
i dunno how to continue anymore
if only theres another chance, another life
this is already so screwed up
can i end this now n start over?
i dun want either heaven or hell..
i just wan to live again n make the right choices this time
Im hurting so much now. Crying so hard. I would do anyth to make myself feel better
anyth at all.
Thursday, December 13, 2007 ; 2:37 AMY
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Help....
The time now is 2.55am but im still wide awake.
I know i really should be sleeping coz im v tired n my eyes hurt even when i blink..but i just cant fall asleep at all.
Ive been having problems sleeping for the past 3 weeks n recently i started taking this supplement called Melatonin to help me sleep.
Decided not to take it today coz i dun wanna depend on it too much..and im still not sure if it really works in e first place.
Sigh. It is damn tiring sleeping so late all the time. Most days i only manage to fall asleep around 4+ am..and then no matter what time i wake up after that, i'll just feel so tired the whole day.
Seems like i just cant shut my mind down. The moment i close my eyes, images start flashing through my head. Its like the moment my eyes close, my brain gets a signal to start playing movies n re-enacting scenes from the past n possible scenes in the future.
And it really really doesnt help that ive got quite a wild imagination..so im constantly whipping up new scenes in my head and worrying about things that could happened.
So many bad memories from the not-so-distant past haunting me.
I just wanna forget..but i cant. My mind doesnt even spare me the details. Every action, every expression all being thought n played out.
Sigh.its so lonely to be awake at this hour.
Thanks to my dear sweetie sharon who just called me. Even for that 10mins on the phone, it made things so much better. Muackz :)I'll be lonely for the next few days as well coz my mum,brother n 2 sisters are all in Msia for holiday, leaving just my dad, the maid n me at home. Only though its only for 4days, im already missing my sisters so so much. Really hope for some company esp at nights now. Too bad we've all grown out of staying over at each others' place huh? Really miss those days when we were so much more carefree and happy.
GRRRR I WANNA SLEEP!
k la, im gonna try lie in bed, close my eyes n wait for sleep to come.
The time is now, 3.34am.
*dreams sweet dreams*
Tuesday, December 11, 2007 ; 1:52 AMY
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Ever wished for a car to knock u down when crossing the road?
Ever wondered how it'd be like if some potted plant hit u as u r walking neath the block, and it knocks u unconscious for a few weeks,months or even yrs?
Ever felt the impulse while driving, to crash ur car into a barrier or simply steer into oncoming traffic?
Ever looked down while you're high up somewhere and wondered how it'd feel to plunge down into a bloody conclusion?
Its a fucked up world. It really is.
And its even more fucked up coz i allowed it that way.
Regrets..but what has been given up is gone forever and there's no turning back.
Its just the end ahead.
