Friday, April 28, 2006 ; 12:40 PMY
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Still unable to find any motivation to do any work. Woke up crying again this morning. Sigh. Really wonder when all this will be over. Im so tired already.
Did some tidying up yesterday..found lots of stuff that belongs to him..notes, assignments and stuff...called him to ask if he still wants them then immediately i felt so much better.I know its better for me to cut off contact totally..and im really working towards that..but on days when i feel horrible, i just need to hear his voice even for a few sec and i would feel good the rest of the day..hai..the urge to call him has diminished greatly in the past month but i think if right now i were to receive a call from him, i would be sooo happy.Hai...
Was at peggy's house yesterday tryin to do some work but ended up readin magazines..came across this article about this married woman who had an affair coz she felt she doesnt love her husband anymore..but yet at the same time, she couldnt cut off contact with him coz they've been together for more than 10yrs and he has become a part of her life already and she's so used to having him that she can't bring herself to stop seeing him totally. So she stayed in this marriage while continuing the affair. But suddenly, her lover broke up with her giving reasons that he feels alot of stress from this affair. At that time, she was pregnant with his baby but had just had an abortion. She wanted to seek some comfort in her husband but by that time, he had already given up on her and left her as well.
Of coz my situation now is nothin like her but i really felt for this woman. Esp when she talked about how she could not understand why her lover could just shut her off from his life just like that. That's exactly how i feel. Its not i can't live without tony. I definitely can but first, i need to get used to not having him around. We stayed together for about 4mths. Yes it may not have been a long time but its long enough for me to settle into. Suddenly, my entire lifestyle and my daily routine have been changed just like that. Worst thing is, i can't understand how he can get used to not having me so quickly. How can he just leave me behind and continue normally with his life as if i've never existed? Has he forgotten every single thing we used to do together?
If only i could learn to be like that. My life would be so much easier. Just click some button, and then i would be able to forget what i don't want to remember. But....i don't think that's ever possible coz im just not that kind of girl. I hold on to memories too much...
Wednesday, April 26, 2006 ; 10:38 AMY
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I would do anything to make myself feel better now..but what can i do? Im totally lost. I was hoping time would heal but now i've to start all over. I lost so much. Now i really don't know what to do. What is out there? If there's something i should look forward to, i can't see it. Maybe one day, even if it's placed infront of me, i won't be able to see it anymore. I was trying to tell myself he's dead, but now i realise it's not him. Its me. Im dead.
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Yesterday night, i went back to square one. Maybe i really shouldnt have met up with him.
Totally sick of life and some people in it. Life sux.
Tuesday, April 25, 2006 ; 12:51 AMY
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Sometimes i think im just being cruel to myself...went to check out a classmate's blog just now and i saw some pictures with him inside...taken before we broke up...and memories flooded my mind...i know i shouldnt have stared at them for so long..i know i shouldnt have gone back to look at them so many times but i couldnt help it...heart aching so bad again...really hate this feeling...it hurts so bad...why must this happen to me? Am i not a nice girl? Do i not deserve someone who would cherish me? Isit really my punishment for treating him as a substitute when we first started? Yes, i was a bitch to do make use of him then but i started liking him after that and i never treated him badly..infact just the opposite...Even when i was disappointed or upset with him, i made it a point never to raise my voice...imagine...our very first quarrel and the 1st time i even raised my voice at him was during the last week before we broke up and we were together for 2days short of 6mths...maybe that's the problem...
Feel so shitty the whole of today...not going on any trip this weekend..then got caught in the rain just now..even with umbrella, i was almost totally soaked..my music books got wet..and i dunno how on earth the rain manage to get through the case to my violin...freaking rain...i usually prefer cool weathers..but now i would rather have the sun everyday than this stupid weather...makes me so moody...
Feel so rejected too...its really during this period of time that you realise who really cares for you. Maybe i just overestimated my importance in their lives...maybe i should also start learning how to treat people like how they treat me...I mean, afterall, who am i? Im just a girl who cracks jokes and make my friends laugh...some of them probably just treat me as some sort of entertainment..circus monkey...what on earth made me think im more than that to them?
So now im really thankful for those true friends i have..they may not have been the closest, but they have certainly proved themselves to be the most worthy friends...thanks to the one who has been calling me almost everyday from australia..another one who sent me an encouraging postcard all the way from australia too...colleague who sends me an sms almost every morning just to ask if i had a good sleep and to let me know she has been praying for me..and another dear friend who just msged me to go cycling on sat just when i was feeling depressed about spending this sat alone at home..thanks girlie..and i found a new shopping partner as well! And big hugs to others who have been praying for me or encouraged me or just provided a listening ear..it means alot to me to just have someone on the other line while i cry...even now, i just received another msg from a friend asking if im feelin better...wow...its amazing how much a single msg can make you feel sooo much better immediately..so to all you guys, MUACKS!!!
Im gonna make sure i have lots of fun the next 3mths....
but first.......assignments........hai.....
Saturday, April 22, 2006 ; 11:37 PMY
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Im at kallang mac doing work again...the last time i came here was in early march i think..with howai and him...that's more than one month ago...hai..i realised nowadays, for every single thing i do or every place i go, i would always try to recall the last time i did that particular thing or went to that certain place, then classify it under "before tony", "during tony" and "after tony"...haha..can't help it la..but then again,i think im not trying hard enough to forget him..each time i think of him, i would just allow myself to think of him for awhile...then i will get upset not just because i miss his presence, but also because i feel so dumb that i still think of a guy like him..hai...i mean, he's ugly...he lies like his life depends on it...he's super immature...he's not dependable at all...he's poor yet he tries to make me poor as well...all my friends and his think he's not good enough for me.....yes i know all these....but i can't bring myself to kick him out of my life completely...yes im much much better now and i know im recovering fast...but if right now he were to want me back, i think there may still be a chance that i may say yes..hai...yup...
okie..gotta try do some work now...havin a super duper bad headache though..think falling sick again..but this time,no one to look after me the whole night le..hai...
Friday, April 21, 2006 ; 2:15 AMY
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20th April...exactly one month from the day his one month probation started...but too bad he gave it up...well well, so it has been 3weeks since we broke up...and im starting to feel im getting my life back..esp the past few days after my violin exam, i feel i can finally let go of this ugly guy and move on...phew! What a load off me...i feel like i have one less younger sibling to worry about now...plus,more money to spend on myself..so what's not to celebrate now? Yeah! Looking forward to shopping and more shopping with my friends..and my 2 upcoming trips...wah...im just afraid that i would spend too much during this 3mths holiday..maybe i really should get another part-time job huh?
But first!! Gotta finish all my assignments first la..have been going out almost every single day..and i realised that each time i go out,i would be drawing more money..gosh....mayb i dun need another job..i need a sugardaddy....hai...
Alrighty...gonna sleep now...will try to wake up earlier to do work tmr...TRY...(,")
Monday, April 17, 2006 ; 10:10 AMY
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I really really miss the life i had with him...but im confused....isit him i really miss, or something else? He stopped calling le...and i know all my friends would think its good that way...but i would rather he still call once in awhile...at least after a call from him, i would feel good the rest of the day...then it doesnt help that all my friends are busy now and so can't call me as much as i would like them too...my dear friends out there, if its not too inconvenient, please try to call me once in a while can? Please? Coz its only when im talkin on the phone that i can resist the urge to call him and msg him...i know im very "jian"...but almost everyday i still msg him things like "i really miss you", or "how can u ever forget the times we spent together", or "i really miss kissing you and hugging you to sleep"..etc....hai....i know...im making myself so cheap right? Msging all these to a guy who doesnt even bother about me anymore...
Candy...i know you are not very smart...can be quite blur at times...but i didnt know you are really so dumb leh...haiyo....
Right now, i want to find another roommate...i think i just need someone to sleep with me at night..and i mean literally sleep...but how and where can i find that someone? hai....any volunteers?
My violin exam later at 4.40pm...its my last exam la...but im not looking forward to holidays leh..there's seriously nothing much to look forward to anymore..will be goin on 2 trips..one in 1st week of may, and another one in mid-may....but how about june and july? Where should i go? And who can i go with? Hai.... Im not even worried about the exam later..usually i would feel nervous 3weeks before a performance but nowadays im too numbed to really feel anything le..even my accompanist,Ann is more gan cheong than me! haha...but maybe its a good thing that im not nervous la coz usually if im nervous, i can't play at all..so hopefully i can continue keeping calm from now til after the exams...
But now...need to start on my program to hand in during the exam...or else.....
Wednesday, April 12, 2006 ; 2:41 PMY
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I dreamt of him again last night. Unlike in previous dreams where i would dream that we are still together, this time i dreamt that we broke up le..but he saw me and walked towards me...then he kissed me and said "tonight go your house stayover k?" He was using the same tone he always uses when he tells me he's gonna hug me to sleep...in my dream, i said nothing but i just looked at him with tears in my eyes...then i woke up....
I know its stupid la..but im very sure that if i didnt wake up at that point, i would have said yes to him staying over.. Infact, even if right now he calls suddenly and asks if he could stay over,i think i would surely say yes..
Im dumb beyond hope right? Yup..i also know that...but after the dream i felt so empty and rejected...i would do anyth just to make myself feel better...
Supposed to teach later but i called to cancel...im really really not in the mood to teach today...i hope i can stop dreaming about him..but how?
Really feel like calling him now and just hear his voice but i know it would only make me feel worse...supposed to start on the history presentation for tmr and practise violin but i just feel like devoting the whole of today just missing him and wallowing in memories of us...
Violin exam is this coming monday and im not prepared yet..but im not even the least worried about it...my entire mind now is thinkin about nothing but him...
Im fighting the urge to call him now...
Im so tired...yet i dare not sleep coz im afraid i would dream of him..what should i do?
Tuesday, April 11, 2006 ; 10:04 PMY
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I still miss him. I wonder how much time i still need...he still calls me everyday and i still like talkin to him..but at the same time, it makes me confused..i used to call him everyday too but i stopped doing that le ever since i tell myself he's dead...but now even when i don't call him, he still calls me...so what does he want?Maybe he feels guilty that's y he still calls? One thing is for certain,he doesnt call me coz he still has feelings...Im 100% sure he has no more feelings for me...hmm..maybe he's calling out of habit? Hai dunno la...Anyway,couldnt keep my eyes off him throughout the concert just now..and it doesnt help that he's so tall so its so damn hard not to notice him..argh..like i told rak, my next bf will be a short one...so even if we were to break up, it wouldnt be so easy to see a short guy among the crowd..hai..okie la...gonna sleep now...finally didn't dream of him last night...hope won't dream of him tonight as well...tata...
Sunday, April 09, 2006 ; 11:10 PMY
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Dear dear....i really miss you so much..Where have you gone? The past 2 weeks have been such a terrible time for me..i keep searching for you but you are nowhere to be found..Its like you just vanished suddenly and i don't know how and why it happened..I tried so hard to catch any glimpse of you in Tony but i can't see you at all..Is he hiding you somewhere deep down in the recess of his heart, or have you really vanished altogether? I miss you so much..I miss you hugging me to sleep, i miss you calling me baby,i miss you feeding me,i miss watching movie with your arms around me,i miss you trying to help me brush my teeth, i miss you tickling me, i miss you kissing me in the lift and on the escalator, i miss having you beside me in the car when i drive, i miss holding your hand and biting your fingers, i miss smelling your hair and having you kiss me all over my face..
My heart is constantly in such great pain..and it doesnt help that i dream of you every night..the past 2nights,i dreamt we were back together and i woke up feeling that everything is normal..then i realised it was only a dream and everything came crashing down on me again..i didnt know that the last movie we watched would be our last, i didnt know that when we went to Pangkor island last year that it was going to be our 1st and last trip, i didnt know that the last time we went out would be the last as a couple, i didnt know that the last time we kissed would be the last time..If i had known, i would have kissed you longer and hugged you tighter...I wouldnt let you go...
Just now, i packed your remaining belongings into a plastic bag and kept it in a drawer where i wouldnt see it...Your shaver,your shaving foam,your toothbrush,your hair wax,your contact lens case...along with tody,owl and taz...I refused to keep it earlier coz i was still trying to tell myself that you would be back one day...But today, i finally realised the painful truth that you are really gone forever...
You still have some clothes here and i know i sound pervert...but i couldnt help smelling them..they still smell of you and i miss that smell so much...
Now i just have to tell myself that the person who loved me before is already dead and will never ever return to me...I just gotta force myself to move on...But no matter what, you will forever have a special place in my heart..I will forever treasure all those times we spent together..the few months we spent together was the happiest i ever had in my entire life and i seriously wonder if i would ever experience the same with another guy...
It really hurts but i have to force myself to move on...i miss you so much still but nothing can be done now...you are truly gone...love you dear...muacks...
