Tuesday, December 27, 2005 ; 3:11 AMY
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Last week of hols....
gosh! my 2mths holiday gone just like that and i can't even rmb exactly how i spent it...i don't think i've even started to slack properly yet and next week i won't get the chance anymore...
hmm...i wanted to spend this holiday properly...improve my violin,have fun with everyone,watch tv for hours like how i used to before starting school,shop shop shop...
And guess what?! I didn't accomplish a single thing!! Quite the opposite infact...
Didn't practise my violin, made everyone around me upset,watched even lesser tv than during school term,didn't really shop too...oh man....this is bad huh....
Well,maybe things will be better once school starts again?
More stress,more workload and therefore lesser time to worry about other problems...
hmm....2006...wonder what awaits me in the new year....
I just hope the bad things that happened recently wouldn't carry on to the next year....i seriously can't handle another year of this mess....
A new year...hopefully a new start....
Let's start over ya....
Monday, December 26, 2005 ; 12:09 AMY
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Worst Christmas Ever........
my life is P.E.R.F.E.C.T but yet i can still find things to complain about...
ok fine, i admit k...im just one fucking discontented bitch...
Tuesday, December 20, 2005 ; 2:49 AMY
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Stuckim stuck in pain
but im really not trying to escape anymore
i tried so hard though..but still can't
now im just trying to ignore the pain and live with it
im hoping and longing for the day when i become immune to it
but for now when im so vulnerable,
please, don't remind me of my pain
i already have no will to live
please don't extinguish my life itself
don't stab my fresh wounds time n time again
so raw still
im sorry
don't mean to hurt anybody dear to me
i shed two tears with every tear you shed
and i so want the best for you
but im holding on to thorns
just can't hang on anymore
sorry
im letting you go
thorns embedded in the flesh hurts
and pulling them out will hurt even more
we may scream and weep then
but after that the pain will go away
slowly
but it will fade away
sorry...
i love you
Thursday, December 15, 2005 ; 9:38 PMY
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2 more weeks...Just came back from Pangkor...again, bad things happened but no point talking about it..it was just too 'sui' le...
Its a beautiful place n the perfect place to relax..would want to go back there again someday..this time with more pple...
My holiday was too short i feel...n i really dread coming back...
Im not looking forward to school, im not looking forward to work, im not looking forward to practising violin and violin lessons, and im also not looking forward to other problems i gotta face but dunno how to at all...
I really wanted to stay there longer..
Hai..infact the very 1st sms i got when i reached spore confirmed that...woke me up from my sweet dream n pierced right through my heart juz when i thought it was almost healed...
More doubts, and even more guilt...
More thoughts about giving up, but then a loving hand grabbed me and i clung on to it tightly as if my life depended on it...and i think it really does..
But why? i know i asked this question so many times but i didn't get a single answer...not a single one...
It was bad enough, and now its worse...And still, each time i had thought it couldn't get any worser..
Was is done on purpose?
Or? So many possibilities but only one conclusion...
Only one tragic ending of loss and not getting...
Friday, December 09, 2005 ; 8:00 PMY
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Another fucked up day...im still sick but had to go out.
left house already then realised i forgot to bring my phone so had to go home again.
the tour agency called to say that the coach back on the 16th is fully booked.
so we either have to change our destination and in the process pay more,
or shift our holiday 1day earlier meanin we leave on 13th and come back on the 17th,
or shift one 1day later-leave on 15th and come back late on 19th.
BUT he's workin til late on 13th so can't make it in time.
and im workin on the 19th so bad choice too.
Now still waiting for things to be confirmed.
Then, i was damn tired and giddy so took train with rak to aljunied then took cab home from there.
there was a bloody jam on the way so what would usually cost $3+ amounted to $8.50.
And im already so broke this month.
I came home to edda crying coz she's sick too and most prob coz she can't get used to the new maid.
I won't be surprised to receive more calls from the tour agency tmr informing me of more "unforeseen circumstances"...eg, all the coaches got bombed up, all the drivers decided to quit, all the beach resorts there got flooded, a possible tsunami resulting in the whole Pangkor island being swallowed up, etc.
Even if everything is settled, i won't be surprised if me and him won't pass the msia custom coz both our passports have less than 6mths validity.
I have a feeling he won't receive his pay before we leave on our holiday. If we even manage to leave,that is.
I just knocked my elbow on the piano and it hurts like crazy.
The sky can turn green now and i will just look up at it, shrug my shoulders and go back to sleep.
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PMS...I read my previous entry juz now n had an urge to delete it...but then i decided not to coz if i really deleted it, then it would defeat the purpose of a blog--an online diary...you don't tear out written pages from ur diary, do u?
Anyway..im havin a super bad case of pms...have been for a very long time already actually..thinking of taking some anti-depressants if this persists...can't stand it anymore...just take today for example..i was sick but had to check out tour agencies to book my holiday for this coming week..then had to make several calls to see who else joining my n my boy for the holiday(in the end,its just me n him)...at the same time i was looking around for a friend's present while msging afew other friends to confirm what, where and when to buy the present and when to celebrate...this was juz the 2nd half...the 1st half was quite bad too but nvm..there were so many changes here n there the whole of today that i almost went crazy...on the way home, i had a super bad headache and i even cried on the bus thinking about how im screwing up my life and wondering why my relationship seems to be cursed coz ever since i got attached,everything seems to be going wrong...
So many bad things happening its scary lo...my maid was sacked by my mum for some stupid n childish reasons...i almost slapped my mum n her best friend coz of that...baby edda can't get used to the new maid so she cries alot now...tarwin went in to army today...my bf's pay keep getting delayed til i almost gave up on going for holiday..baby edda is sick..me n my boy also sick..and the worst of all...problems with my closest friends...and many other things i can't recall now..
haha..sounds like a big bundle of problems?or isit really just my problem?
Monday, December 05, 2005 ; 2:39 PMY
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No days left for my own
Yes i know. Now everyone thinks its my fault and maybe it really IS my fault but you know what?i fucking don't give a damn now. Why bother so much when you know you can't please every single person? She is pushing me further n further away from her and trying hard to correct anything on my part won't salvage anything.
Ok..let's juz put it this way.
Im one problemmatic person who can't juggle btw friends and bf.
I don't keep my promises n in the process make my friends upset.
I don't deserve a best friend or good friends.
Maybe i should just marry my bf now and move to shanghai with him.
Til then, i declare sundays to be mine alone.
No more promises who to meet on that day.
I can spend it alone or meet whoever i feel like meeting that day.
Anyone who thinks im being mean can just jolly well continue thinking so.
I don't give a damn about all these shit anymore.
Sunday, December 04, 2005 ; 1:15 AMY
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Last month of 2005...
Christmas is coming again soon...not really looking forward to it though coz immediately after christmas comes 2006...and somehow i don't really feel prepared to enter a new year when part of me feel that i've only just settled in to 2005...know what i mean?haha...nvm...maybe im just slow huh..
Anyway, i think im feeling better since my last entry...suddenly realised that my boy needs me for the warmth and attention that he can't get from his family...so i really ought to be strong for him...and not always think too much...making myself insecure and asking him stupid qns again...Think i was also affected by all those friends around me who recently broke up..i can't bother counting already...what's wrong man?Isit seriously the weather like what jaryl said?haha...
Hai...my church is moving next month to a new place..maybe toa payoh....oh man...i already have problems waking up for 9.45am service when church is just beside my house...how now?Argh...I need a car!!!!!!!!
I took leave from work on the 14th coz most prob going on holiday with my boy....looking for others to join us as well...but haven't even book anything yet!! Just got my pay today and my boy getting his on monday so will check out tour agencies next week ba...
This month is seriously "BROKE" month....6 friends' 21st bday...going on holiday...oh no...hai...
