Friday, July 28, 2006 ; 10:49 PMY
............................
Can't rmb if i mentioned it here. But anyway, i dreamt a few days ago that tony is attached again. Guess what? I found out last night that it's true. He just got himself a new gf...and this girl is someone from my class. Coincidentally, our names our quite similar. Im candy...she is cady. haha.
Sorry dear friends, to make you guys worried about me all the time. Im trying to be strong. I really really am. But just when i thought i still need more time getting used to seeing him in school, now i realised i also need to get used to seeing the both of them in school. One word: PAIN.
Well, but don't worry. This isnt as bad as when we first broke up. If i survived that, i think i can survive this too..though at times i really feel on the verge of losing it. Im trying not to think about it la but come on, how not to when these 2 pple are my classmates and i gotta see them around all the time! I feel so torn, so used and so worthless. I know im not, but that's really what im feeling now.
That one month after the breakup was so bad i don't want to ever go through it again. I was just lying in bed the entire day crying and trembling away. And now im so scared i have to go through that horrible stage again. The constant crying and depression. Gosh. Im scared to the point im trembling again now. It really amazes me you know, the effect this useless guy has over me. Why can't i just ignore them both? I really can't accept the fact that he can like someone else so soon while im here suffering. Its so unfair. And of all pple, why choose to be with someone from the same class???
Wahhhh....shit man. Im feeling so terrible now yet i can't do anything about it. But no matter what, i will try my best to be strong. I will carry on with my life as happily as i can. Hopefully, this feeling will soon pass. Perhaps in another month's time, i would feel nothing seeing them together. Right now,i just need to stop thinking so much. Couldnt sleep the whole of last night again. Keep waking up many times in the night and each time i would start thinking about it and start crying. Im really starting to look like a goldfish lo. So ugly how to attract cute guys right? haha.
Thursday, July 27, 2006 ; 1:14 AMY
............................
Went to school for a talk in the morning and he was sitting right infront of me.
The moment he walked in, my tears started flowing.
Someone told me tears are precious so we shouldnt keep crying.
Well, think i like to cry meh?
I cried so much today my eyes are swollen and i still gotta be in school at 9am tmr.
As long as i don't see him, im perfectly fine.
But now i have to see him in school almost everyday...
Who was the one who said that if we were to break up, he would either transfer school or leave the country coz he wouldnt be able to take it seeing me around yet not having me? Since when did the tables turn and now im the one suffering while he's happy with his life and seemingly not the least affected by my presence in school? How can he even pretend i've never existed?
Well, for me i can't do that. I can't pretend he's not there and ignore his presence when i gotta see him around. Can't he just die this very moment so i wouldnt see him anymore? Seriously, i don't care if he dies right now. I would probably be happier even though it means i can't get back the remaining $200 that he still owes me. If im rich enough and have all the connections i may even employ more drastic measures to ensure i won't ever ever see him again. But...ARGH! See? SO that's yet another reason why i need a sugardaddy...
By the way, its not that i still like him. NO. The thought of who and what kind of person he really is makes me wanna puke big time. I just can't get over how silly i was to actually believe him. How wrong was I to actually think his changes were genuine and not just an act. How more gullible could i be to think that even with the 3yrs gap, he may after all be the right guy to marry. All the praying-before-you-sleep shit and other "holy" stuff he was doing. All those plans to bring me back to China with him to see his relatives. And i thought God has finally decided to shower me with blessings that He had so freely given to some privileged others. But it was all a dream. Nightmare, rather. How wrong was I...
Whenever i see him now, it reminds me of how close we once were. Someone i shared my room and my life with. Someone who made me so much promises and gave me the pampering i craved for all my life but was denied.
Yah. Yes you. Go ahead and laugh. Laugh at my inability to let go of such a loser. Go ahead and roar with hysteria while rolling on the floor if you wish.
Coz i will be joining you. I shall halve myself. One part of me shall join you laughing in disbelief at such an idiot as me. The other part, chained to my bed, crying into my pillow, stifling the cries.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006 ; 1:20 AMY
............................
First day of schoolHmmm..
it was ok..
didn't cry in school when i see him..
(but then again,all i saw was his backview so i don't know how i would react when face to face with him..)
prob coz i was too busy looking around for cute guys among the newbies..
but sadly, no cute guys.
Or maybe it's just that i haven seen them yet...
But anyway, i already fixed a target for me to ogle at this sem..
hehe...finally saw him again after 3months! and he's even cuter now..
Made eye contact with him just now and i almost melted..had to force myself to look away coz i could already feel my cheeks burning!
Awww....im getting more n more 'hua chi' these days la..
but he's really so cute! Not the type i will seriously fall for la, but definitely good enough to spice up boring sch life.
wah, if im a rich taitai i will definitely make him my toyboy...sigh..but sadly, im just a broke student who is looking for a rich sugardaddy..
wah..dammit, im starting to fantasize about him already!
okie, i shall stop it now..
and continue fantasizing in the privacy of my dreams..hehehe...
Thursday, July 20, 2006 ; 4:58 PMY
............................
Im starting school in 4 days' time. Like i said before, i really don't wish to end this holiday, start getting stressed out by school work, and going through the ordeal of seeing him in school everyday. Yet part of me is really quite excited about meeting new friends in school, learning new things and most of all, to find out if im really really over him. So, what's the link between seeing him in school, and knowing for sure if i've gotten over him?? Well, i believe that the best way to find out if you are truly over someone, is when you can see him around, look at him face to face and talk to him without being affected and feeling any heartache. Many years back in 1999, i met this guy on a church trip to thailand and i fell in love with him almost immediately. Well, actually up til now, i still can't say for sure it was "love", but i knew he was someone i really wanted to marry and i continued liking him for more than a year even though we were in different countries and couldnt meet at all. Then a few years later, he got married..(sobz) And as for me, i moved on as well and started having other guys in my life. Then on 26th march 2005, he visited spore and came to church with his wife and i finally saw him again after 5 1/2 yrs. Not a single word passed between us that day..just a smile. You would think that since so much time has passed, i probably wouldnt be affected..but no..where i live, the church compound can be seen from my window. And that day after church, i came home and stood at the window looking at him and my pastor's family while they were chatting and preparing to leave. I stood there at my window, crying while i fantasize about an impossible life being married to him...til their car finally drove off and i pulled myself away from the window. And at that point i asked myself, why was i so affected?? Perhaps unknowingly, i still had some lingering feelings for him deep down in my subconcious mind that even i myself didn't know i had.
So..End of story and back to what i was talking about...Im scared. But i want to see him again to make sure that he has no impact on me anymore. Maybe i will still feel awkward talking to him like a normal friend, but the least im hoping for myself, is that when i see him face to face, i won't feel the need to run to him and hug him tight, or to run off to some corner and cry.
And i have just a few days before the test result comes out. Hmm. Scarieeee...
I dreamt of him 2 days ago. Quite a funny dream really. I dreamt that he has got another girlfirend now, and somehow, me and him started quarreling!! haha.
Oh by the way, im supposed to see the doctor for my high blood pressure. My trainer said i should be on medication to bring down my bloodpressure, if not it's actually quite dangerous for me to be exercising. But...part of me is delaying seeing a doc coz i don't want to admit having some problems with my body. Even if there are problems, i choose to disregard it and continue with my life without any medications. Afterall, i don't see much to be treasured and protected in myself. Its just a short life before eternity.
Sunday, July 16, 2006 ; 12:58 AMY
............................
Im super SIAN. I think im having PMS again. I really HATE for this holiday to end. Im feeling so POOR. I need MONEY. I need to practise more SELF-CONTROL in every aspect of my life. I have a HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE. Im super LOUSY. Im just COMPLAINING. SIGH.
Saturday, July 15, 2006 ; 1:40 AMY
............................
Die la. I really need more students to earn more money. My 2 bank accounts suffered much loss in the past 3 months of holiday. I even paid $414.75 yesterday for 5 training sessions. hai.....
And im supposed to go shopping with cecilia this coming week!!! How to shop now?? I've been spending much more than i earn the past 3 months. The thailand trip, california fitness, shopping, food, transport...you know what? I actually can't even remember when was the last time i stayed home the whole day without spending any money...hmm..last month maybe?? Really can't remember le coz recently i have been going out every single day. Hopefully once i start school next next week, i can start saving money again.
The whole week has been tiring for me. Have been sleeping at 5am the past few days coz was busy packing with the help of BJ. haha.But actually, i think he should be the tired one coz everytime he's here, he seems to be doing most of the packing while i will just slowly take my time cleaning up one small corner. Hehe. My room is sooo much neater now!! Though i don't know how long it can last in this state before i mess it up again la. There's still a couple of areas to work on before my room can be certified "clean and neat" so will probably have clean-up part 4 tomorrow ba. haha.
Just came home from supper with aimei and BJ. I remember we used to stay til 2-3am before going home de but nowadays we always make it a point to leave around 12. Maybe as we grow older, we really become more sensible? Try to make it in time for the last bus so can save on cabfare, and also to ensure that we have enough sleep. Im looking forward to the next time when we can just stay up the whole night somewhere. But when? Seems like once we all start school, everybody will be busy with their own stuff le..sigh..
Gotta work whole day tomorrow..sobsob..and its already almost 2am. Better sleep now. Ta!
Tuesday, July 11, 2006 ; 12:12 AMY
............................
I always wanted to watch 2 movies in a day and i finally did it today!! Went to gym around noon, then after that met up with Bj and Zy for movie "Thank you for smoking". Think i must have been too tired, couldnt catch most of the jokes they were saying so it was only towards the end when im slightly more awake that i started enjoying the movie. Then after that me and Zy decided to watch "Re-cycle". As usual, i had my cardigan over my face half the time while Zy was laughing away at the silly tactics used to scare people. I think i screamed a few times too.Haha what's new huh. Maybe what Lisheng said is right. I should just request to pay half the ticket price next time since i only watch half the movie! I wish.
Yesterday night, Bj came to my house to help me pack my room. I must say, he's really a wonderful help. I think the word he said the most last night was "Throw! Throw! Throw!" haha. End result?? My table is now a table, when before, it was merely a dumping ground for all my stuff. He's so meticulous in ensuring every inch of my table is thoroughly cleaned and cleared that i feel ashamed as a girl. He sorted out all my bills and bank statements, keeping only the recent ones and even labelled them nicely in separate envelopes. And we thought guys are the messy ones. Most importantly, he helped me to clear tony's stuff, packed them in bags, and leave them outside my house. I think without Bj around, i wouldnt have thrown away so many things associated with tony. And you know what, i feel so damn good now that his things are outta my room!! Its like a form of release for me. I think all these while, by allowing all his stuff to stay in my room, i was preventing myself from severing all emotional bonds with him. Haiya, if i had kwown its effect, i would have forced someone to accompany while i pack his stuff long ago le. Probably gonna have part 2 cleanup tmr to pack other parts of my room!
Wah. So tired today. Haven been getting enough sleep for 2 days straight so will probably try to sleep earlier tonight. (,'')
Time check: 1.01am.
Opps. Its already so late le.Sigh.
Sunday, July 09, 2006 ; 9:40 PMY
............................
Im sick again!!!! Im really starting to hate rainy days. Its bad enough that rainy days make me depressed. Now they are making me sick as well. Dammit. Well, actually i think i only have myself to blame. While on the way home from church just now, i stupidly missed my stop. SO when i alighted at the next stop, i had to walk a distance to the overhead bridge, cross the bridge, then walk another short distance to the opp busstop to take another bus home. I had an umbrella but i also had a few things to carry at the same time. Including holding up my skirt while walking. Coz i was wearing an ankle-length long skirt so if i don't hold it up while walking up the bridge, i will trip on them(which i already did twice in church earlier). By the time i reached home, half my skirt was wet and pple were giving me looks that say "wah, this girl siao bo?rain still wear long skirt.haha." Maybe short pple with short legs like me should just stop wearing long skirts altogether huh. I never used to think im short til i met pple like cecilia and rakhee who always make comments about my short limbs. And also pple like jaryl who complains that i walk slow and laugh at me just coz im slower than him when chasing the bus. HUMPH!! GRRRRR.....
I have 2 more weeks before starting school. Need to start practising the pieces my violin teacher gave me to learn, need to pack my room as well. Which means i also need to clear alot of his stuff. Can someone pls volunteer to just keep me company as i throw them away?
By the way, i think there's seriously somethin wrong with me. After my breakup, i lost my appetite so in a way that was good so i could lose weight. But the past week, i keep wanting to eat!!! Infact, i never seem to feel full anymore!! Shit la.. All the gyming wasted. Hmm, maybe my unsatiated hunger for that 2 cute trainers has somehow translated into foodcravings?? Ok,doesnt make sense i know. haha but some things you never know...
Sigh. Im so sian now. Had only 4 hrs of sleep coz went for ktv from 10-3am then slept at 4+. Im really tired now but i really don't feel like sleeping. Maybe i should try calling someone out? But who? Feel like driving out somewhere on my own but its not a good idea given im so tired. Hai. See la, that's why you need more good friends with cars. Maybe i should start flirting and making friends with cabdrivers.
Hee. Okie. Just joking la. (,'')
Thursday, July 06, 2006 ; 1:15 AMY
............................
Remember several entries back, i wrote about this girl who broke up with her bf coz his father is dying of cancer and then got together with another guy very shortly after that just coz this new guy is cute?? Well, i was really v disgusted by her. Just coz she's worried that the ex-bf, being the only son, may have to support his family after the father's death and so will be financially burdened, she dumped him. At a time when he needed his gf's understanding and support. I also rmb hoping that she gets dumped by this new guy so she will learn her lesson.
Haha. Guess what. It really happened. They were together only 3weeks then this guy suddenly wanted a breakup, saying that she's too spoilt and it turns him off. Well, it is a fact that this girl is quite spoilt and also selfish, thoughtless and immature. But at the same time, i also think that this guy is only a jerk out to play and therefore, her being "spoilt" was just an excuse to break up with her.
I know i wanted this to happen so she can learn her lesson but i couldnt help feeling sorry for her. Me and cecilia spent the whole day yesterday at her house trying to console her. ( We were supposed to go shopping..but nvm...) She was in such a bad state and being suicidal even. I guess no matter how flawed a person is, no one deserves to be hurt like this. But, after all that has happened, i don't think she learnt her lesson. Guess what, while whining to us about him, her main concern is still that she doesnt think she will ever be able to find another guy as goodlooking as him!! Wah..i can only shake my head in amazement and wonder yet again at how such pple exist on this earth. And i thought she was being so upset coz she really loves him. Actually, she loves him..she loves his looks. Gosh..i pity her yet i want to laugh at her at the same time. I know physical appearance is impt to most pple but for her, its really the top of the list. Doesnt she even bother about that guy's character at all?? So what, as long as he's handsome, or rich, she will definitely want him. I only have one word to describe my feelings towards this kind of mentality. "PUI!!!"
I think the only reason why i was still being nice to her is coz i know how terrible it feels to be dumped. And just like how my friends were there for me, i wanted to help her get through this period too. Looking at her crying and talking about him, i was reminded of myself just a couple months back. Crying everyday, losing the ability to eat, sleep and carry on with my daily routines. At several points when she was crying, i wanted to cry too coz i felt the old pain come back. But looking at her in this state also tells me that i've passed that dark period she's in now. I survived it. I managed to overcome all the thoughts about dying and giving up. And im living and enjoying my life now. Without her, i wouldnt have known the extent to which i've improved.
Hmm..feeling quite proud of myself now..haha. Thanks again to all my friends who were there for me. I guess in a way, a person's worth can be determined by the number of true friends he or she has. And it's coz of these friends that i feel im still worthy of this earth and realm.
That poor girl. Really hope she matures after this and stop being so superficial. Will probably try to spend more time with her next week.
Sigh.Alright, gotta go sleep le. Most prob gonna meet siewlin to shop!! hehe..
Saturday, July 01, 2006 ; 12:35 AMY
............................
im missing alot of things now.
not that im feeling depressed la..but i just feel that there should be more to my life than just THIS.
im missing certain things that i lost over the years..
im also certain there are alot of things missing from my life.
Right now, the main thing i lack is motivation.
Have been taking lots of naps lately coz im always feeling tired. hai. what a waste of time.
I really should be practising my violin but im not. Infact,im starting to dislike my violin and really hate my own playing..to the extent i don't even want to take it out of its case anymore.
I don't even feel like going back to school lo. SIAN.
Countdown: 24 days of freedom
