Tuesday, February 28, 2006 ; 2:52 PMY
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one questionone answera realisation that both shocked and broke the damage is done yet more is to comea stage of discovery that needs love and understandingbut love and hope all gone nowvelo dancy still?
Monday, February 27, 2006 ; 12:58 PMY
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Argh...even sicker....Didn't sleep well at all last night coz my throat was hurting so bad..I dun recall ever havin such a bad sorethroat before..its like there's some stupid lump stuck inside and i can't even swallow saliva properly...woke up many times in the night..i kept dreaming about doing my assignments and other sch stuff..worse still,i think i even dreamt that i went to see a doctor, and he told me there's actually a cockroach stuck in my throat!!! I woke up and almost puked..bleah...
And rmb the previous night i said i knocked my own head against the wall? Last night it was my knee..and i started crying coz it was so painful n i felt so dumb...
Thank God for him...he didn't have much sleep either coz he was looking after me the whole night..he would wake up each time i coughed or sat up in bed coz i couldnt breathe properly...he would stroke my arm and pat my back to every whimper i make....thanks dear dear....muacks...
Anyway, didnt go to school in the end today..heehee...but gonna see a doctor later la..i need something good for my throat..and maybe also to check if there really is a cockroach there!!
haha..k la...gonna go sleep awhile more now then wait for joanne to come home from sch so she can go to the clinic with me....tata!
Sunday, February 26, 2006 ; 9:16 PMY
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Sick again...Its the last 3days of my term break, and instead of spending it rushing my assignments, i spent most of the time lying in bed with a stupid fever, headache and sorethroat...argh! Poor me..i even had to drag myself to work on sat coz arranging make-up lessons after would be so troublesome...how many times have i fallen sick since last year? I think its almost uncountable lo...oh no...am i really getting old? Probably the only good thing that came out of this was that i lost 2kg in 2days..haha...so maybe i should continue being sick for another week so can lose more weight huh? but no thanks...the work load is really piling up...and when you are so sick, there's really nothing much you can do except lying in bed, watchin tv and writing blog..none of which are actually considered productive..
I actually wanted to practise my violin just now but with a headache like this, i think i will just faint on top of the violin halfway during practice..haven seen a doc yet coz i didn't wanna waste money...but may go to the clinic just to get an mc for tmr's violin lesson if i still haven recover by then...die la..didnt practise much this week though i think my teacher would understand if i told her i was too sick to practise...
Gosh..i think i took more panadols than meals since fri...yesyes i know its not good to depend on panadol like that but i really couldnt take it..hai...just hope its not some serious illness huh...Haven been sleepin well the past 2 nights as well..woke up with all the pillows and soft toys on the floor and bedsheet out..must have been tossing and turning during my sleep..last night was worse...i even woke up with a sharp pain in the head then i realised i had banged my head against the wall!...i think i fainted immediately after that then this morning my head was hurting so bad i couldnt even pull myself out of bed to meet my classmates for project meeting...ridiculous right? So sick already still must go for meeting..but no choice la..this teacher is super demanding de and she wants to see 50% done by tmr...so...sigh!
Wednesday, February 22, 2006 ; 11:38 PMY
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Tired Tired Tired...Just came home from a performance that wasted an entire day...hai...really didn't want to go coz none of the pple im close to would be performing and i really think i need more time to practise and do my assignments..in the end, i decided to go only coz i thought it was irresponsible to pull out last min...the moment i reached there, i almost fainted when i saw the score...the other pple got their score on monday during the 1st rehearsal but i wasn't there..SO..i had to practically sight read all the way..and i tell u, the rhythm n notes aren't the normal classical kind that we are used to and there's hardly any melody to it!! Plus, all the 3violins are playin different parts and the rhythm is so bloody difficult...after the rehearsal, i asked my teacher if i could be exempted from the whole performance coz i felt i really couldn't do it..esp since this would be performed at quite a big event infront of some film people big shots...argh...of coz my teacher insists i must go...hai..i also know i shoudnt give up easily but at that point i really felt i couldnt do it...so guess what? Haa..i cried again in sch...think this is like the 4th time already? Gosh...what's the problem with me, really? Well,i think its just pms la...i hope...i don't wanna slowly turn into some loony siao zha bo who goes crazier n crazier then eventually seek refuge with the 'Mad People Association' of Bedok!!
Haha...but anyway, im just so glad its all over...actually at the end of it, i don't regret taking part in this performance at all...it was a v good experience..plus i had a fun time talkin to my other schoolmates involved...some of them i used to think look dao, but then i realised they are actually fun pple to talk to! So that is good...haha..im just super tired now...wanted to start on assignments de but can't even think straight le...want to sleep but meetin him later so quite duh to sleep just awhile...mayb tmr i will just stay overnight at the airport to do assignments after seeing rak off...hai....time really flies huh...
alright then, gonna go off now...4 more days of term break...of which im only free tmr coz fri got violin lesson again, sat got work and sun got church..hai...1week break really not enough la..hai...
Tuesday, February 21, 2006 ; 12:54 AMY
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Brokeback Mountain...Watched this movie just now...everyone should catch it if u have the time...its R21 though so just make sure you are old enough..hee...was hoping they would request to check my IC but they didn't..grrrr....anyway,this movie is basically about 2guys who fell in love with each other but can't be together coz of the still conservative society in the period the movie was set..and also coz they both had their own families...There was a scene where the wife of one of these guys found out about their affair and at that point, my heart goes out to her and i felt so sorry for her...but strangely,after the whole movie, i realised i actually felt for the 2guys much more...hmm..pretty weird isn't it? Esp since there was a period of time before i got attached that i was constantly worrying about marrying someone who turns out to be gay in the end...haha...but i guess in this movie, the main message it was trying to get across, was the forbidden love between 2 people, rather than the issue of homosexuality....that said, the guys were so attractive i couldnt help fantasizing about them after that..even now...hee...esp Jake Gyllenhaal...oh man...such sexy lips!!!! Argh...and it doesn't help that i haven't been spending much time with my bf these days..thus i have plenty of time during which my mind wanders off into lala land........hmm....ahhh.......
So you see, im someone who really needs her bf by her side...i get emotional assurance from his physical presence...without which, i sometimes even forget for a few seconds that im attached then that's when i start ogling at guys! So, Tony Shen Fan Hao, i don't think you will get to read this..but if you do, then you better wise up and remind me of your presence more often even when you can't be with me..that includes sendin me a short message from time to time rather than disappearing for several hours sometimes...hai...i really really miss the initial stage of our relationship...i think its the same for most relationships actually..the courting is always the sweetest..then after...zzzz....is this the reason why some couples break and patch repeatedly??So once they past the initial stage, they can breakup,then repeat that sweet 1st stage again? errr..doesnt sound v logical to me leh....but nvm....
Well well, i gotta go sleep now...mayb i should take down the 5posters of Leehom on the walls above my bed....and replace it with that of Jake's!! Oh...i can almost imagine his lips pressed against mine now..and those eyes.....ohh Jake.......
Saturday, February 18, 2006 ; 1:50 AMY
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Sleeping late again....Its already almost 2am and im still awake though i gotta wake up early for work tmr...hai...i can foresee another sleepy day at work tmr...just hope won't receive any complains for dozing off in class while teaching!
Today turned out to be more productive than expected though i didn't practise my violin at all...i went out with aimei and rak..bought a new pair of shoes and a top...then came home, tidy up my room...did the laundry..then now waiting for the dryer to stop so i can take out the clothes to hang...wahh....why do i sound like a housewife huh?hmmmm...
Supper tmr at aimei's house....we used to go for supper almost every week but now we hardly meet up..such a sad thing when everyone is so busy and finding time to catch up becomes so difficult...really can't wait for this sem to end then i will have almost 3mths of holiday!!! Well, this coming week is my term break la but it can hardly be considered holiday since we have lots of assignments to do and so much practising to do as well! Grrrr....nvm...10more weeks and i shall regain my freedom....
Something supposedly sad happened today...was quite affected when it just happened but now im so much better...i think this is all part of growing up...every once in awhile, we all come across circumstances that dishearten us, tear down all expectations and hopes, and threaten to disintegrate our very spirit til we become just an empty shell almost devoid of emotions...so jaded but probably good for us too...certain things are just beyond our control and comprehension so the best way is just to accept these changes and not hope too much for the better...
ALrighty...the dryer has done its work but im feelin lazy now...so im gonna sleep instead....nite...
Monday, February 13, 2006 ; 11:35 PMY
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V day....well well...so tmr is V'day...so what? Its just another 14th feb....hai...dunno why...this would be the first time i spend V'day with a boyfriend but im not exactly looking forward to it...not that im dreading it,of coz not..but to me, its really nothing special you know...the only good thing about tmr is probably that i would be able to sit down and have a proper dinner with him and then hopefully catch a movie after that...ever since i started sch, everything is always in a sickening rush...usually i gotta gobble down my food in 10mins or i would just eat bread to save time...when were those good old days when me and my close friends would just sit at marche for 2-3hrs, slowly enjoying our food while enjoying each others' company? And then after that sit somewhere for a drink and somemore talks while we ogle at guys? I really miss those days...i know some people would think that being attached you would enjoy your bf's company most...but that's not true...yes,i do miss him when im not with him and i would love to see him everyday...but somehow, he can never replace my closest friends as my best shopping, eating and guy-watching partner..(well, i guess i would totally FREAK out if one day he suggests guy-watching with me)....hai..I know for some people not being attached is a horrible feeling; i know that coz i've been through it..but how can anyone possibly know what precious things and how much i've lost ever since getting attached? I so yearn to get these back but sometimes, things are just not in our power to control...Am i really just supposed to get one or the other? Can't i have both? Im really quite tired...im happy in this relationship and even if it doesn't lead to marriage,i would still be happy it happened but now that one hole in my heart has been filled, another hole has appeared, thus making my life as incomplete as it used to be...SIGH. Maybe im just asking too much huh? Anyway, vivian left for australia yesterday...its only for about 4mths but my life will still be different without her..have been meeting her more regularly the past mths and suddenly i have one less person to go out with...sobz...then rak is leaving next week...Wah...see what i mean? Right now, it really seems like no one close is within reach....
Oh well, happy v'day to all...hope you guys spend it wisely like you would any other day, regardless of who you are spending it with and where...=)
Tuesday, February 07, 2006 ; 10:06 PMY
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Tired...Had a fun percussion session today in school but after that was CHOIR....argh...i feel every tue is wasted and totally spoilt coz of choir..i know there are other lessons that i hardly learn but at least those don't make me feel so irritated...worse still, choir used to be 1 1/2 hrs..and now they increased it to 2hrs!!!Is lasalle promoting a policy of time-wastage with compulsory lessons that are totally TRASH??!! And to think that in JC, choir was the only thing i looked forward to and loved...who the teacher is really really makes a whole ton of difference...after singing for that 2hrs, i always feel so exhausted after that i can't do anything the rest of the day..so its really shitty that my violin exam is the day after but im too tired to practise now...my eyes are closing already and my arms ache like crazy...poor arms..think they are really not used to the long practices...i can hardly rmb those days when i only practised 30mins per week before violin lesson...ahhh....
Anyway, im feeling much better today...not feeling so nervous about my exam compared to afew days ago...i think im just too tired to worry about it anymore..hah...tmr is another performance, then after my exam on thurs i can finally relax awhile before
cheonging again....
yupyup..that's school life for you...=]
Monday, February 06, 2006 ; 8:41 PMY
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Stressed....and very confused....AHHH!!! My violin exam is this thurs!!!
hai..im tryin not to think about it coz it really makes me scared...its not that i don't know my stuff..i've been practising everyday but im just scared that due to nervousness, i may just forget everything during the exam...worse still, start trembling in fear and end up playing everything in the wrong pitch!!! hai...i even ended up crying while practising yesterday night coz i felt so stupid and dumb...but well, i guess i would just have to practise really hard the next 2days and do my best on thursday.....
Anyway, im confused coz i just read a friend's blog and i have a feeling im the cause of her unhappiness...but what have i done? Or isit really me in the 1st place?Im trying to keep a balance between friends and bf...but am i still a failure in that aspect? I don't want to make anyone unhappy, even more so for my close friends but when i don't even know what or how im doing wrong, how can i change anything? Do i really have to think twice or even trice before every single word i say just so i won't say the 'wrong' things?What kind of friendship would that become then? I really don't know how le.. hai...talking to another friend now about this and she told me to just not think so much for now...yup...think she's right..i should just stop thinking about it....
oh well, im gonna start practising my violin again now...hope things get better...
