Thursday, July 27, 2006 ; 1:14 AMY
............................
Went to school for a talk in the morning and he was sitting right infront of me.
The moment he walked in, my tears started flowing.
Someone told me tears are precious so we shouldnt keep crying.
Well, think i like to cry meh?
I cried so much today my eyes are swollen and i still gotta be in school at 9am tmr.
As long as i don't see him, im perfectly fine.
But now i have to see him in school almost everyday...
Who was the one who said that if we were to break up, he would either transfer school or leave the country coz he wouldnt be able to take it seeing me around yet not having me? Since when did the tables turn and now im the one suffering while he's happy with his life and seemingly not the least affected by my presence in school? How can he even pretend i've never existed?
Well, for me i can't do that. I can't pretend he's not there and ignore his presence when i gotta see him around. Can't he just die this very moment so i wouldnt see him anymore? Seriously, i don't care if he dies right now. I would probably be happier even though it means i can't get back the remaining $200 that he still owes me. If im rich enough and have all the connections i may even employ more drastic measures to ensure i won't ever ever see him again. But...ARGH! See? SO that's yet another reason why i need a sugardaddy...
By the way, its not that i still like him. NO. The thought of who and what kind of person he really is makes me wanna puke big time. I just can't get over how silly i was to actually believe him. How wrong was I to actually think his changes were genuine and not just an act. How more gullible could i be to think that even with the 3yrs gap, he may after all be the right guy to marry. All the praying-before-you-sleep shit and other "holy" stuff he was doing. All those plans to bring me back to China with him to see his relatives. And i thought God has finally decided to shower me with blessings that He had so freely given to some privileged others. But it was all a dream. Nightmare, rather. How wrong was I...
Whenever i see him now, it reminds me of how close we once were. Someone i shared my room and my life with. Someone who made me so much promises and gave me the pampering i craved for all my life but was denied.
Yah. Yes you. Go ahead and laugh. Laugh at my inability to let go of such a loser. Go ahead and roar with hysteria while rolling on the floor if you wish.
Coz i will be joining you. I shall halve myself. One part of me shall join you laughing in disbelief at such an idiot as me. The other part, chained to my bed, crying into my pillow, stifling the cries.
