Tuesday, June 20, 2006 ; 2:52 AMY
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To Sharon:
I was actually deciding whether or not to even continue this topic here in my blog, of all places. But since up til now, you still show yourself incapable of contacting me anymore, i suppose its only right to assume that you actually would very much prefer us to exchange messages through this blog. Well then, fine by me.
First of all, regarding the very entry that had sparked off these exchanges in my tagbox. Well,i was really disappointed by what you wrote in your blog to "encourage" Hazel. Did you even read through what you wrote there and did you even realise how insensitive it was? I know your bf reads your blog. And no one is stopping you from praising and glorifying him in your blog, but please! Not at the expense of a dear friend who is having problems with her bf! It seems like you were trying to console Hazel in your blog but in the last few lines of that entry, it seems as if you are gloating about having such a perfect bf whom you trust alot while Hazel is having lots of problems with hers. I mean come on la, i seriously think she doesn't need to be reminded of how "lucky" u r as compared to her now. Even if you want to tell your bf how much u trust him and how glad u r to have such a dear bf giving you opinions on Hazel's problem, at least say that to him privately or at least in a different entry right? And by the way, Hazel and her bf have been together a few yrs so there are bound to have problems along the way. As for your relationship, you are barely 6months into it. Do you not think that mutual trust existed in Hazel's relationship as well during their earlier stage of their relationship?
You know, i was actually quite disappointed that you didn't even bother contacting me or showing me concern when i hit bottom couple months back. But now im actually glad that you didn't bother. Coz if you had said the same things to me in your blog like what you told Hazel, i think i would have felt much much worser.
Now back to the tagboard. I totally agree with you that lifestyle changes with different circumstances. But if you meant it to justify your attitude towards friendship in relation to having or not having a bf, then sorry, i don't think i need such a person. Coz for me, a friend is someone who is a friend no matter what. Be it in poor or rich times, happy or sad moments. If i can only share my life with you when you are boyfriendless or when your bf can't meet you, then i think i would just be wasting my time. Realise how i didn't suggest going out the past 2 sundays? I enjoy your company the most but if you refuse to even give me a rough timing we can hang out til just coz your bf can't confirm what time he's meeting you, then i don't think i should put myself through the "happily-spending-time-with-bestfriend-then-suddenly-whisked-away-by-bf-leaving-me-all-alone" kinda ordeal. Been there, experienced that..and i totally hate it. And of all times, you had to do it at a time when i was facing a breakup and having suicidal thoughts. Again, i can only shake my head in wonder and amazement. Ask yourself which friend would send you home every sunday after church when your house is a 25mins drive away and when the church is just a few steps from my house. Hello, i actually don't even need to get into the car at all. Hell, i would even drive all the way to your house to pick you up when we are going out just coz i know you are tired after work and the long bus journey would tire you out even more. All those times i drove to your house and back, you think its not tiring meh? Think about it. Im not even your bf. Do u think its really necessary for me to do all those things?
I believe you really enjoy spending time with me. I believe you care for me too. But what i don't understand is, why this status must change every time you get attached. Its such an irony. A dearest friend who is even closer than a sister, yet such an inconstant friendship. Must i wait again for the next phase before we can resume the happy times? Only to have it disrupted once more when "circumstances" change yet again? Its just a vicious cycle that won't end isnt it? Who is the tired one here? People tell me tony is not worth it and i should give him up. But you know what,even that jerk doesnt disappoint me as much as you do. When i realised you don't like him,i even wanted to break up with him coz of it.
Perhaps even up til this point, you still think im making a big fuss and totally not being understanding towards your attached status. Well, if you really think that way, by all means go ahead. I just hope that you will never ever reach a stage in your life when all is wrong and there are no good friends by your side.
As for the both of us, well...just like how some relationships have turned out. Not worth it means not worth it. Sometimes no matter how much you treasure it, there's a time to stop waiting, stop hoping and stop holding on. One-sided friendships will never work. I hate it to turn out like this but things are beyond my control. Like i say, it will just end up being a neverending cycle of alternate disillusioned happiness and heartbreaking disappointment. And who's to blame actually? Perhaps no one really. We are just too different in our ideas of how friendship should be treated.
