Friday, April 28, 2006 ; 12:40 PMY
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Still unable to find any motivation to do any work. Woke up crying again this morning. Sigh. Really wonder when all this will be over. Im so tired already.
Did some tidying up yesterday..found lots of stuff that belongs to him..notes, assignments and stuff...called him to ask if he still wants them then immediately i felt so much better.I know its better for me to cut off contact totally..and im really working towards that..but on days when i feel horrible, i just need to hear his voice even for a few sec and i would feel good the rest of the day..hai..the urge to call him has diminished greatly in the past month but i think if right now i were to receive a call from him, i would be sooo happy.Hai...
Was at peggy's house yesterday tryin to do some work but ended up readin magazines..came across this article about this married woman who had an affair coz she felt she doesnt love her husband anymore..but yet at the same time, she couldnt cut off contact with him coz they've been together for more than 10yrs and he has become a part of her life already and she's so used to having him that she can't bring herself to stop seeing him totally. So she stayed in this marriage while continuing the affair. But suddenly, her lover broke up with her giving reasons that he feels alot of stress from this affair. At that time, she was pregnant with his baby but had just had an abortion. She wanted to seek some comfort in her husband but by that time, he had already given up on her and left her as well.
Of coz my situation now is nothin like her but i really felt for this woman. Esp when she talked about how she could not understand why her lover could just shut her off from his life just like that. That's exactly how i feel. Its not i can't live without tony. I definitely can but first, i need to get used to not having him around. We stayed together for about 4mths. Yes it may not have been a long time but its long enough for me to settle into. Suddenly, my entire lifestyle and my daily routine have been changed just like that. Worst thing is, i can't understand how he can get used to not having me so quickly. How can he just leave me behind and continue normally with his life as if i've never existed? Has he forgotten every single thing we used to do together?
If only i could learn to be like that. My life would be so much easier. Just click some button, and then i would be able to forget what i don't want to remember. But....i don't think that's ever possible coz im just not that kind of girl. I hold on to memories too much...
