Monday, January 16, 2006 ; 8:21 PMY
............................
The woman i most want to hate..
this entry is dedicated to my mum...
i used to love her, but now i wish i could hate her
i know im 22 this year and already considered adult
but who would have thought that deep deep down in this "adult" heart of mine, im really still the child who is still longing for her mummy's love?
somehow, i feel that i can't progress properly into the next phase of my life without my love for her being reciprocated...
why?
what have i done?
isit really coz of the fact that im the eldest of 5 kids and thus doesnt require so much of her attention?
please, im not even asking for attention, im just pleading for her to at least not hurt me with her words n actions..
she keeps thinking im earning alot and has tried to cheat me more than once into buying things i don't need and which she has gotten free
many times she tried to dissuade my dad from giving me money and paying for things for me coz she says im rich...she even scolded me for using the car so frequently when im not paying for the petrol..but hello! i DO pay for the petrol and top-up the cashcard..and is the owner of the car(my dad) even complaining?
she cheated me into setting aside $160 each month for our joint bank account which she said was for my uni fees..a few months later i realised it was just a short-term investment scheme and she just wanted the extra interest she could get from my "contribution"...she did return me part of the money later but do u think it was really $$ that i was upset about?
when i try to discipline joanne, she scolds me for scolding her daughter instead of helping to discipline...am i not her daughter too? She actually said this, "If u want to beat and scold, do it when you give birth to your own kids next time. Don't do it to my daughter."
and each time that happens, we would end up shouting at one another..i may seem defiant and unfilial, but inside im crying..coz once again, the tiny spark of hope that she may love me afterall proved once again to be merely just an illusion that had probably resulted from the long-term deprivation of maternal love
even when i was still in her womb, she had confided to her good friend( now my godmum) that she was v disappointed to have a girl as her first child...did i have a choice of gender?
so now, in order not to cry over this silly thing again, i will learn to hate her...
once i learn how to hate her, i won't be hurt by whatever she does or says...
i still dunno why she treats me so but it won't matter when i hate her and thus stop craving for this love
im really just, a nobody's child...
